General Treatise on Chain Lube Theory

A while back, a friend passed a usenet post on chain lubes to me. Wish I still had a copy, but to paraphrase and expand on it (and if you wrote it, drop me a line, please):
What does any good lube do for a moving, sliding, rolling mechanical part? It:

Additionally, lubes are frequently used for their incidental anti-corosion, cooling, debris-flushing, and (maybe) dirt-shedding properties. Cooling's usually not important on a chain, so I'll ignore it here. Likewise, cleaning properties are only important when you're doing maintainence, so I'll overlook them too. On the subject of maintainence, one more property desirable in a chain lube is durability, or measure of how long it can work between re-applications. This is not so much a measure of how long a given drop lasts in a given spot but rather a measure of self-replinishment via wicking from other areas of the chain.
Bike lubes come in 3 general forms: dry, semi-dry, and wet. Listing all this is about to get cumbersome, so let's tabulate what does what (+ = good at, ~ = has some of this property but isn't a champ, and - = neglegable or none at all):

film fillers poly-ability anti-cor shedding durability
dry - + - - + -
semi-dry ~ ~ - ~ ~ -
wet + * + + - + (usually)
* - easily added

Cut to the chase: with one exception, wet lubes rule. That exception? Deep sand. It will stick to a wet lube, get sucked into the bearing surfaces on your chain, and (possibly worst of all) turn this stuff's wicking properties against it and suck your drivetrain dry. Use the dryest lube you can find if you've got to ride in bad sand.

Enough! I didn't expect a steenkin' lecture!